Nov 14, 2012

Public Apology for Not Apologising

I was drowned out amidst the Alan Jones/Julia Gillard's dad affair, so this one didn't make the cycle in time for The Punch. I liked it, and I'm sure its subject matter will become relevant again all too soon, so here you go.

Chinese artist Chen Wenling, credits: Ng Han Guan/AP

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. I know you were on your weekend. I myself had to cancel my trip overseas and rush back to make this press conference. I may have been constantly tweeting on the plane, and taking phone calls with radio stations and TV shows to fill as much air as I could with my precious voice, but I'm glad you could all make it today so I only have to say this once.

It's time to set the record straight.

Last week, I was at a dinner function where I gave a speech. I was invited there by a group of people I hardly know, just a group of students who, for some reason, wanted to hear what I have to say. Yes, I did receive a direct email from their President, whose signature, in hindsight, said he was leader of the Young Communists, but before you reminded me, I had no recollection of that memory.

While at this event, I spoke about the direction of talkback radio and political discourse, and it's alleged I made comments that might offend a person of weak constitution, particular if that person is who I specifically made the comments about. Now I'm not going to give in to speculation about what was and what wasn't recorded, and what was and wasn't publicly released on the record, except to say that any offensive statements I may have made were not supposed to be recorded or public. And the fact that they were made public, I think, is a clear indication of the dangers we're being exposed to in this day and age.

I mean, look, if I'm expected to watch what I say when I go into a public forum, well, I wouldn't be able to say anything, would I? If I'm not allowed to make someone feel awful and really offend them - and this is someone who gets offended, mind you - then what's the point of speaking?

I point out that this person gets offended not because I think it's weak and useless, but simply because I've never been offended in my life. I'm not questioning this person's choice to be offended, I'm just wondering if maybe choosing to be not offended is the better option. Certainly it would make people like me, it would make our lives easier.

In summary, I need to make it clear I never really made those comments to offend anyone, so of course they can't be considered offensive, and so really, it's like they don't exist. And anyone who was offended by them is clearly an idiot and a person of such low integrity, I'd suggest they're more akin to a slime mould than an actual human being. But that's just my opinion, and I'm paid to give my opinion, so I'm sure any sponsors out there will continue to support me as I root out slime moulds in our society. That's my job, and that's what I'll keep doing. Not offending anyone with comments that never existed because if they didn't offend someone, how could I have made them?

Thank you, I hope this has clarified the issue, and I'll be taking questions from you after I leave.


When Simon J. Green isn't offering arch support for the feet inside commentator's mouths, he's producing videos for The X Gene and ruining his own reputation at The Awesome Report.
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