REVIEW: I&J Frozen Cheese Burger

The Disclaimer: I have cystic fibrosis. CF affects the body in many ways, but for these reviews, we're concerned about my digestive system. In short, it's fucked. As a result, I don't absorb anywhere near enough fat and nutrients from what I eat. I have a dietician and a respiratory specialist, both of whom encourage me to eat fatty foods to keep my weight at a decent level. CF patients enjoy a unique relationship with food. There's no link between 'bad' food and morbidity for us. So I'm reviewing anti-health-foods. Food that requires a disclaimer. Greasy, fatty, rich, delicious, disgusting, enviable food. You normies should avoid these foods whenever you can save the occasional treat. Be jealous, it's OK.

I&J have a range of frozen, microwavable food. We're talking the sort of stuff you'd find in 7eleven, but available for you at home. My consumption of those service station burgers or salmonella buns is legendary. I may as well be eating babies for the disgust it generates in my friends. I was overjoyed to see them in the Coles freezer fridge.

The frozen burger is convenient. I like to leave one or two in the freezer for those days when a chunky soup or bowl of cereal just won't do, and I can't be arsed putting on pants to go out. I&J also have a bacon and beef burger. Tonight I gobbled down the plain cheeseburger.

The method for heating is a little different. You open the box and take out the burger. It's covered in a paper bag. Leave it in the bag and put it upside down on top of the box, then microwave for a minute. Turn the burger over, leaving it on the box, and nuke it for another minute. Open the bag and let some of that heat dissipate. Ready!

The first thing I noticed was the bun. One of the problems with these microwave burgers, oh sweet slabs of convenience, is that the bun can come out stiff and stale. Usually it's only a few portions of the bun, so you'll get a somehow sloppy crunch when you bite. I&J's little guy is nice and supple. The bread bounces back like fresh dough. The sesame seeds are evenly spread and plentiful: too often we filthos are gyped by a tight-fisted sprinkling. The meat (should I call it meat? 33% of the patty is beef) is springy and a little bit like soft plastic, but the beefy flavour manages to come through, complemented nicely by the tangy ketchup. The cheese wasn't memorable, sadly, which is a shame when a cheeseburger can so easily get away with a lot of cheap, crappy cheese.

I wolfed this down, burning my mouth a few times and requiring a nice glass of cordial. I recommend it for anyone who likes a simple, classic burger ready to eat in three minutes. Look forward to the bacon variety.

Two out of five creon.